Thank You, Jia Huey.
In all honesty, I have been suffering from a rather bad case of loneliness for quite some time. The thing about loneliness is that it makes you feel like the only person in that world that's lonely. It would seem that in my search for a partner to give my love to, I have forgotten that people around me who deserve it as much as the next cute girl I see. Therefore, my new New Year's Resolution is to deepen the relationships I have with the people around me, and to let whatever will happen, happen.
This is something Mystery, Natural Tim, Ross Jeffries or anyone else cannot teach me.
Admittedly, it was not the perfect night, but there were (near-)perfect moments. As always. And surprisingly, even at the end of the night, I was still quite sober. Albeit very, very tired. Hmm...
The past year: Reflections
Jan-Mar: Volunteering with Trybe actively helped me find my sense of family and friends. And to find the joy in helping others. Going out for the first time with &HER could possibly be the very best day of the year. Choosing the course I would be taking for the next 3 years was quite possibly the best and worst decision I ever made, academically.
Apr-Jun: School started on a high that slowly lost its momentum for me. Turns out that the slope was steep and rocky. And I may still be falling. But there were definitely some friends made in that time. At the same time, doing TVC was a big step in actually actively doing anything for anyone else in my life. While it did not end quite as planned, at least not on my end, it still helped me grow in terms of anger management.
Jul-Sept: Hitting 17 was a very heartwarming moment. While I stand by my mantra at 17 is the most insignificant age where you wanna do everything you're not allowed to, I must admit that it was one of the better days of the year. As I started broadening my networks, meeting the female version of myself was pretty awesome. (You know who you are, silly girl.)
Oct-Dec: As far as I can remember, much of this time was spent in Bukit Batok with Henzy, Zul and conflicting emotions about someone or other. 10/10 brought a lot of pain and ecstasy as did many of my interactions with &HER which misled me to believe in the impossible. Towards the end, resigning myself to my "destiny" was a pivotal step into the new year.
1st Jan 2009: She tastes as sweet as she looks.
Neither of which I would wish to mention openly, yet I can't help but think about it. Follow my heart, or follow my head. I've made a fantastic group of friends and we have great chemistry and can go places. Or I can try for the one person I never really thought I ever had a chance with. Hmm...
Shooting has been great so far, though. Made a little sister. Sorta. Love te cast, the crew, the character. It's a nice escape from the stresses of life and work and relationships.
I wake up in the morning with the Woo! attitude. I can't afford to not have it.
Random thoughts.
So incoherent.
Do I care?
Why are you reading this?
Do you understand any of it?
Do you care?
I need sleep. And a coke.
More often than not, we make choices without knowing the outcome.
I could not be satisfied with what I had. Just being a passive observer. No. As a human being, it was my nature to want more than what I had. Progress. And now I've driven myself to an ultimatum. A choice that will make or break what I have. What do we do when we are confronted with having to choose between two opposite ends of the extreme? What happens when all we can do is to start the chain of events, and have the outcome decided for us?
HOW MUCH MORE PAIN CAN I TAKE BEFORE I FALL TO PIECES?
When I made the choice to reinvent myself, it seems like I didn't expect her to be such a big part of the past I had to let go. How do you throw the centre of your universe away without following it? If it explodes, and you float away, what do you do? Wander aimlessly through space till another gravity well sucks you in? What if that doesn't happen?
http://kevan.org/johari?name=Vyzhyn
In spite of all my attempts
to get closer to you.
I start to wonder exactly what it is that this is.
This burning desire in my heart to tell you,
that you mean the world to me.
And the chilling fear to keep you in my life,
because I'm not sure what I will be if I lost you.
How could you not see the stake you hold,
that you are my core,
the sole purpose that I live for.
I never want to see you
sad,
hurt,
angry,
scared.
Everything I do to bring me closer to you,
to be more involved in your life,
to be there for you.
It frightens me.
Not knowing how I am received.
Not knowing if I matter.
Am I too stupid to see the signs?
Are they ever there?
Telling me to stop.
To go away.
To start again somewhere else.
I don't know if I can forgive myself,
if I didn't try.
Because you are all I want.
The only thing I know I would hurt to lose.
Because you matter to me.
Much more than you know.
If all else perished, and you remained,
I should still continue to be;
and if all else remained, and you were annihilated,
the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.
How I wish to hear from you.
Know that you exist.
Know that I am still sane.
Know that you are not only a dream.
For every night I see you,
breathe the smell of your hair,
the warmth of your skin,
I pray I never wake.
Yet, the indifference burns,
the ignorance stabs,
the acknowledgment heals,
but the departure kills.
The love I feel is ludicrous.
I seem to find joy in nonsense.
An unconditional, unjustified love.
For one seemingly oblivious.
If I gave you everything
My heart,
My body,
My mind.
Would you see what I try to show?
That all I have lived for,
was to love you?
How can I decide what's right?
When you're clouding up my mind?
I'm screaming
"I love you so."
I can lose,
A chance at closure.
A chance to move on.
A chance to see you.
But I cannot
lose you.
Let me in,
so I can show you,
that you and I
can be a "we."
After all that's happened, although I feel like I've grown, it's the pain that comes with it that sucks. No pain, no gain, indeed. I guess in the end, there's no such thing as being "friends". Because feelings don't disappear just like that. *snaps fingers* Was i just too late? Or would there never be an early, or even an on time? Punctuality has never been one of my more outstanding qualities. However, after a week of rather agonising pain, delivered without remorse, mercy, or concern in general, it can be said that I'm holding up quite well. Sure, I had to talk to a few people about it, but overall, it's going by just fine.
Weapon Of Choice
Beautifully crafted,
in a day.
Sealed,
with satisfaction.
Nervously handed,
in a second.
Read,
Ahead of schedule.
Anxiously waited
forever.
Sweat,
Scared of the response.
Light-heartedly discussed,
for hours.
Ended,
with a sugar-coated stab.
I gave you the one knife
that could pierce my thick skin,
and you made sure to use it.
Repeatedly.
The first stab
was a peck.
A glance,
as you walked away.
The second stab
was a nothing.
Ignorance,
and never looking.
The third stab
was a glimpse.
Jealousy,
I'd rather not.
As I recover,
as the wounds heal,
I limp on,
bleeding as I go.
But I know,
I will live,
stronger than before,
and with more rewards.
Toil on,
sad heart,
courageously.
As always.
Now I have gained the ability to make my feelings known. It started with just two. Then there was three. Then it became two. Then one. Then as the final one leaves, I find myself falling in love all over again.
Maybe I was wrong.
Maybe you were just a distraction to test my resolve, to give me the ability I needed, but never had.
Maybe you were there to make me refocus and give me my much needed courage.
Maybe in the end, my feelings are a lie.
Maybe they're not.
But one thing is for certain:
There are now two that I will give my whole heart two,
where once there was just one.
While one is attached,
the other is "just a friend"
and the last one is seemingly oblivious,
I am left with only one thing to do:
Make my feelings known to the girl of my dreams,
and test the waters.
Thanks to:
Vivian, for being there for this whole fiasco.
Gail, for letting me be honest.
Henzy, for predicting the future and for your advice.
Ivan, for opening my eyes, for the short time we met.
Biqi, for making me smile when all seemed bleak.
Ezzat, for keeping me focused in class.
Popcornpop, for allowing me a refuge for 9 hours in a day.
The Rangers, for turning my worst day around.
Raffy, for the dinner and the counsel.
God, for bringing these people into my life.
V: Then why are you talking to me?
E: Because... I need help.
V: What's going on?
E: I feel jealous.
V: Because someone is getting close to her?
E: Not exactly. Not her. Someone else. Which is even more disturbing.
V: I see. What does that mean to you?
E: It means I might be attracted.
V: Are you sure?
E: I don't know. Isn't that what it means?
V: Not neccessarily. Don't take it to mean all jealousy stems from attraction. Your situation is not exactly normal.
E: I think this is the "dark side".
V: I think it's lonliness.
E: Maybe. It feels that way. I haven't been single for so long since becoming one of them.
V: You're deprived.
E: But everything else was just a distraction. The easy way out. Nothing but cheap alternatives to make up for the weakness that I couldn't make the choice I was meant to. Basically, this feels like my cowardice coming back to bite me in the ass.
V: So what do you want to do?
E: I feel tempted to take the east way out again. No strings attached.
V: And what would that do? Except give you your fix. You don't have a lot to lose, you know.
E: But it's not healthy for me. It's not healthy for anyone.
V: What? Loneliness?
E: Yes.
V: After all this...abstinence, you're willing to throw it all away?
E: It's a smaller, more acceptable loss.
V: You intend to wager a chance at lifelong happiness with another -at most- 1 month of useless intimacy on some other random girl?
E: When you put it likethat, of course no one will.
V: But that's what it is, ultimately. You wasting your own time. I can't keep psychoing you like this everytime you get cold feet.
E: I don't like it either. But the reality of the situation is that I feel like I will lose more if I fail.
V: You waste more if you don't try. If you don't get past this, it's entirely possible that you cannot love anyone else so long as you are in this state.
E: I can still get girls, you know.
V: It's not about getting girls. You said you wanted to pursue love, right? I know you. You cannot truly love more than one person at a time. You're not programmed that way. So don't try to fall for someone else to get this I've with. You've done it before but you just ended up back at square one when it ended. You know that you won't be able to move on unless you take this chance.
E: But I honeslty felt like I could.
V: It's the loneliness talking. I think you're just craving for the attention. You're just too weak to do it. Otherwise you wouldn't be in this situation.
E: You're starting to sound a lot like him.
V: Merely stating a fact. It's hard to disgest, but so is everything that's good for you. You knew what you wanted when you took it up. You got sidetracked and distracted along the way.
E: It seemed like a healthy solution. If I had options, she wouldn't matter.
V: It seems like you underestimated your own ethics.
E: I thought that I would just forget about her.
V: Doesn't work that way. Not for you. You know this. You're not like the rest. You don't have that emotional capacity. You can't stand being a player and you know it. So stop trying to change yourself in order to escape. It does not work that way.
E: But I can be great.
V: On the outside, yes. But not on the inside. It hurts you, remember? It hurts because you know that it will stop you from achieving your ultimate goal. You know you can't resist the temptation. Isn't that why you chose to turn away?
E: I chose to turn away because I felt ready.
V: Then if you're so ready, why are you turning back? If you're so ready, then why are you getting cold feet? Just do it, damn you. You don't have another choice. In a couple of years, your chances will be gone. Don't wait too long to have your heart torn to shreds.
E: Ok. I'll just treat this as a relapse then.
V: Thank you! You're getting a bit difficult, admittedly.
E: Sorry.
V: Not an issue. Just do it.
Attraction, as I have learnt begins with an event. The first glance, the first words, the first touch. But all these are the first cents in an emotional investment. The more we push ourselves into this vulnerability and the more we invest, the more we stand to lose.
The more we invest, the more we are afraid to lose it. Be it to others or to let go of it ourselves. Every single risk taken is followed by a sharp intake of breath. Waiting to see the person again, but not knowing what to say. Sending a message and waiting with bated breath for a reply, irrelevant of what might be said.
When we put everything on the line, with a 50/50 chance of success, is it worth it? Are we willing to trade the feelings we currently hold for the possibility of losing it all and having a hole torn in it's place?
Waiting for something,
That might never happen.
Is it worth it?
Investing your heart,
in a chance at forever.
Is it worth it?
Taking a shot,
at a target too far to see.
Is it worth it?
Opening my heart,
and having it torn to shreds?
Worth is a calculation.
Comparison of variables.
Profit versus loss.
Love is an ambiguity.
Fluctuation of emotion.
Benefit of sacrifice.
Love doesn't work that way, I decided.
Once you cared about a person,
it was impossible to be logical about them anymore.
It pains my heart to read New Moon. Admittedly, I am almost afraid to pick it up again. It re-tears to hole I spent so long plugging up. It hurts, yes. But still, I am curious to see if I will survive. So, I continue. How masochistic.
Doesn't it just melt you heart???
The purpose of life
Human beings exist for one sole purpose: To Survive and Replicate. The main goal is to populate the planet's surface with further generations of humans, striving to get as close to genetically perfect as possible. That is replication. In order to replicate, humans must live long enough and be strong enough to replicate. That is when survival comes in. Perfectly understandable, as all humans, as far as mentally sound ones go, do not wish to die. It is through pure basic instinct that we have what is known to us as interpersonal attraction. As we replicate, through natural selection, men and women try their utmost best to find the perfect genetic mate. The one that would give their offspring the highest chance of survival and replication to ensure that their genes will not be unapologetically weeded out of existence.
What men are attracted to
Men look at physical qualities. For the most part. That is why when a beautiful woman walks by, mens' heads turn. Because everything that a man would find attractive about a woman can be seen without ever having interacted with her at all. I personally know some individuals who would get hard-ons in the presence of some of the women I know. And yes, there is more than one. Men are attracted to things such as a healthy head of hair, a hip to waist ratio of 0.7, youth etc. Why do most men agree that Jessica Alba is hot? Because she has been scientifically proven to have a hip to waist ratio of exactly 0.7. Why is this important? Because primitively, a man knows that 0.7 is the ideal ratio for any woman to have. any bigger than 0.7 and the woman would be unable to walk on two feet. Any smaller, and the woman would not be able to give birth. At least not naturally. Why is youth important? Because younger women, typically between the ages of 18 to 30 are more fertile. That is why you see old men lusting after younger women. Essentially, if all woman in the world were good-looking but mute, it would not be a problem. For the most part. So, the most ideal man would be someone who is attracted to a woman without ever seeing her. This ensures genuine attraction to her personality.
What women are attracted to
Women are a great deal different in a sense that in order to find a man attractive, she has to actually talk to him and learn more about his qualities and ideals and values. I have personally seen very good-looking guys get shot down mercilessly by infinitely less attractive women. Simply because they are dicks. Of all the guys that I have trained over the past year, a majority of them are typical men who are looking to score with beautiful women. Admittedly, that is quite common and understandble, but it makes it no less disgusting. And it is becuase they are typical and just like all the rest, that they fail. I will not explicitly list out what women are attracted to, however, I will say that men have failed to pick up on this throughout the course of evolution. I sincerely believe that because of the time it takes men to sober up and become mature about what they want that the man in the relationship is usually older. That is why most women do not wish to date younger men. Especially when the guy is below the age of 23. On average.
Level 2: Love
Love is a pairbond between two individuals whereby the emotional connection is particularly strong. In order to explain this, I shall use the triangular theory of love by psychologist Robert Sternberg. Look it up. Personally, I had the same idea about this a few months before actually learning it in my Social Psychology lecture. Nonetheless, the principle are the same. The theory states that love is made up of three aspects. Physical, Emotional and Mental. Passion, Intimacy and Commitment respectively. And this is where the differences in men and women are. Once again, let me say that this does not apply to everyone, but like all psychological theories, is a generalisation of the population. For the sake of simplicity, let us us a numerical system. 1 being the least, 10 being the most.
Men have a passion rating of about 8 on average. Followed by Intimacy of around 5. And Commitment of around 2. Intimacy comes close behind Passion because all men understand, on some level, that displaying Intimacy will get them Passion. And when a woman reciprocates a low level of commitment and a high level of passion, men jump at the opportunity. That is why when offered a one-night-stand, a majority of men will accept.
Women have the similar parallel, but in a different order of Intimacy, Commitment and lastly, Passion. In any relationship, women enjoy the feeling of being loved, and emotional closeness, knowing that someone is there for them and having that snese of security much more than sex. To most women, sex is not a prioritised necessity. Men however, will be deterred by the possibility of being in a relationship where physical intimacy is going to be very little. Especially during the teenage years whereby the hormones are craving for some "hot steamy action". And girls, being protective of their chastity and longing more for intimacy during that time, will be less likely to give in to the demands of hormonally-charged teenage boys looking for some Passion Fruit. Which is why I believe, most teenage relationships do not work out.
Ideal Partner Theory
Genetics and natural selection aside, the ideal partner for a woman would be a man who is not immediately sexually enticed or excited by her physical appearance and is already willing to commit to a long-term relationship. This is because when the man is already willing to invest in the woman emotionally, and give her intimacy, as well as wanting the relationship to last, the passion which is naturally hard-wired into his body will eventually manifest, giving the relationship a balance.
On the flipside, the ideal woman for a man would be someone who is willing to reciprocate the same amount of commitment as the man because commitment is a two way thing. Rather than having it one way whereby either party wants to stay while the other wants to go. It makes for a very clingy type of relationship. As well as being willing to give the right amount of passion, but for the right reasons. Giving it when it is asked for point-blank is not ideal. Sex is not about "humpin' and dumpin'. However, it is a physical manifestation of an emotional connection. Simply put, Intimacy+Passion is what makes sex worthwhile. In other words, this is what should be taking place for an ideal relationship. Imagine 3 being the ideal amount.
Men: 2(Intimacy)+1.5(Commitment)+1(Passion)
+
Women: 1(Intimacy)+1.5(Commitment)+2(Passion)
=
3(Intimacy)+3(Commitment)+3(Passion)
That is a short version of my thesis. Because of my elective, I may have to write a longer one. Thanks for reading. :)
V: I noticed you missed school. Again.
E: Because I overslept. Again. My entire bioclocked is screwed lah, can?
V: No shit bro. You didn't sleep well, I noticed.
E: Yea. It's the kind of sleep where you sleep for 4 hours, but it feels like you dozed off for 10 seconds.
V: I guess I sorta know the feeling. But dude. Seriously. Have you seen yourself in the mirror?
E: Yea. Biqi's right. I'm starting to look like a panda bear. Maybe if I continued Wu Shu, I can be Wu Shu panda!!!!
V: Not funny man. Seriously.
E: I guess being around all the movie merchandise has it's setbacks.
V: Oh. You went to work today?
E: Yea.
V: You could go to work, but couldn't go to school?
E: School started at a single-digit time. That's kind of a hindrance. Haha. I'm not sure I can get up past 10 anymore. My body seems to have forgotten how.
V: Haha. That's so Ezzat. Oh yea. So how was work, man?
E: Fucked up. As in, I still enjoyed it and all, but i screwed up a lot. Like my mind just went blank. Especially around the cash register. I swear, that thing is going to be the death of me. I kept forgetting to key stuff into the register. Damn irritating. I was like so blur lah. Oh but the Ryan kid came back.
V: The rich man's son?
E: Yea. That dude. With his sister.
V: THAT GUY IS THE REASON WE HAVE NO CHANGE IN THE REGISTER!!!
E: Yea, it's also guys like him that ensure guys like us can get laid.
V: Haha. But why'd he come down again?
E: The LOTR posters came in today. The ones that he ordered. Quite cool, actually. Cos he hit suntec first to terrorise Dylon. He ordered the version with Frodo looking at the camera with the ring in his hand. he wanted to swap that with the one of frodo looking down, which was not in yet.
V: Uh-huh...
E: So Denny pulled me into his office and asked me to use my silver tongue to convince him to get both.
V: Cool...some real fun...
E: Haha. Yea. Although he came in after that, Denny and I managed to convince him, and on top of that, He bought more posters. I don't even remember which ones. But he spent more than we intended him to. Haha. Oh. And I bought Eclipse from Kino today.
V: Awesome! So one thing off your wishlist?
E: Yea! well, sorta. Cos I kinda left it at the shop when we closed up.
V: Let me quote Denny here, bro. "OUTSTANDING!"
E: Let me quote Charlie Sheen: "Don't patronise me."
V: Haha. Chill man. Mas Mystery gotten back to you about PIE?
E: Yea. It's damn tempting. I'll be honest. But because of commitments, I'm not too sure about whether I should take it up. Everything is taken care of, I just need to pay for travel and accomodation. But I'm not sure how much I want that lifestyle anymore.
V: You still want a shot with her, right?
E: Yea. Just one shot man. If I don't take it, I don't think I can live with myself. It's valid for a year, so I'll see how it goes lah. It's got really good perks, man.
V: I'd advise you to take your shot,man. This is your backup plan.
E: Haha. As I said, I'll see how. Because I'm not entirely sure I wanna go all the way with PIE. It's a very different path.
V: Precisely. So it's your backup.
E: Eh. I've gotta help a friend. Talk to you later.
V: K. Cool. Cya around.
- Music:The Fray - Look After You (Live) | Powered by Last.fm
V: Why?
E: No idea. It's like, someone tapped me and I turned back to look.
V: So what's happening to you?
E: I just feel...cold.
V: You have to keep going. If you go back, you'll just throw yourself into that same-
E: It's coming closer.
V: Wake up! He's mindfucking you! You need to keep running.
E: I can't. I'm too scared.
V: You know I can't help you.
E: Yes you can. Please.
V: I can't. I'm not that strong. I can't push you. You need to help yourself. Do something!
E: I'm too scared.
V: No you're not. Move.
E: Fuck.
V: Move.
E: He's getting closer.
V: Stop looking.
E: I can't.
V: Yes you can. Just close your eyes and move.
E: He's staring at me.
V: Stop staring back.
E: He's back.
V: Stop it. Move!!
H: Hi again. How've you been?
V: Fuck off.
H: Tsk tsk. I think you time is up.
V: You lasted a bit too long. How'd you catch up to us, anyway?
H: Ethan here just had a little bit of a flashback. Guess he should have burned those letters a long time ago.
V: You're the one that stopped him from doing it anyway. You made him weak. You stopped him. He couldn't let go because you bolted him to her.
H: I did no such thing. He chose to hold on of his own free will.
V: You killed him from the inside out. I'm the one that pulled him out. I'm the one that tore him away from you.
H: You made him a coward. You made him run. He should have faced me a long time ago. You should have face me. But no. You chose to run with him. And now you can't face me either. What kind of change are you?
V: We needed to get far enough away from you in order for me to stay.
H: Admit it. You knew it would never happen.
V: I had faith he could. And he did. He's finally making a name for himself. He's finally doing something worthwhile. So stop holding him back.
H: Is that so? Then why hasn't he told her yet? You know, she probably already knows. Or suspects at the very least. It seems like you're not really doing your job, are you?
V: How do i know you haven't been been pulling him back? She still calls him by your name.
H: What's so bad about it?
V: He's trying to start anew. Trying to build a new life!
H: Please. She barely even calls him by name. And besides. She came from when I was around. I layed the groundwork.
V: Well, the groundwork kinda sucks.
H: As I recall, Vyzhyn, your "date" didn't go so well.
V: At least I got him on that date. What did you do? Get blown off. You did ridiculous shit that went unnoticed and unappreciated. Hey Hansen, fuck off. You did nothing. I got him farther than you did. And you're just pulling him back, not letting him take the next step.
H: Oh. Just because you're fucking up, it becomes my fault? Take some responsibility. Poke him in the ass and wake him up. You're the one that's not letting him take the next step. I was way back there. He's been having this problem for damn long.
V: Fine. I'll make sure that he tells her. You just get the fuck away from him.
H: Yea. And what happens if he fails? You'll throw him into a club to pick up random girls?
V: You won't even let him expand his social network. You're the one who's stopping him. All this because you still have feelings for Eud.
H: She got together with him because of your special someone anyway. Care to take responsibility for that?
V: You made him take the easy way out. The first available option. And you hurt him badly. I'm the one that pulled him out of that mess. I pulled him out of that hole that you tricked him into. I'm the one who's trying to keep him on track. He's not deviating anymore and not sidetracking because of me. And the last thing he needs is to go back.
H: He's not strong enough. He's barely done anything.
V: Ethan. Wake up, man.
E: I can't.
V: Yes you can.
E: No. It's not that. I can't do this. I can't let hansen pull me back again. I've come too far.
V: That's the way, man.
E: Sorry, Hansen. But quite frankly, I can't afford to let myself get degraded by you. I actually want this girl. I took Eud because she was readily available at the time. And you let me get too involved. And I got hurt. I'm not going to make that mistake again. I could have very easily taken anybody. But going after her, that whole "no distractions" bit, isn't Vyzhyn's doing. It's mine. I'm the one resisting. So fuck off.
And so change began. When I started to voice out. When I started working for what I wanted, and to chase the success I knew I could have. I did everything. Everything I wanted to do. I failed because I wasn't strong enough. Because I wanted to hide. Because when the universe slapped me in the face, I just said "Leave me alone." It tore me and my relationship apart. A relationship where, after reading the old letters, I realised could have gone forever, if not something close. One thing about Eud, she always managed to highlight my flaws. But I was too young and stupid back then to do anything about them. I just skimmed through as if it didn't matter. The same way whatever Gail tells me seem to fall on deaf ears. But things have changed. And this is not some sad, weepy epiphany post about how I'm going to become a better person and making empty promises about ridiculous retarded shit.
This is an alert. That things around me are happening. Things seems to be going well. I've got a job that I love. I'm in a course that I enjoy, in a school that has amazing facilities and opportunities. And I'll be in an upcoming Tv Series for almost every single episode. All seems well and good. But then again, is it really? I feel I have been deceived by my own apparent success. The stress is taking it's toll. And it hasn't even begun. It's just the anticipation. The amount of work I have to do. And let's admit this: The social politics of DADP. I don't want to go back. I don't want to go back to that school constantly watching my own back as well as those of other to see whose will bleed first. Life is never simple. I just need to escape from the shit that I can see flying at my face at superluminal speeds.
And the worst part is, I feel it. The weakness. The feeling of doom that the boy is coming back. I look around and I see his room. cluttered, kiddy, juvenile and trapping. Like I can't grow. I'm a 17-year-old in a room fit for a boy a decade younger. So, I'm redecorating. Hoping that it will serve as a distraction, and occupation or maybe finally allow me to break out of the four walls that I'm pushing against. Because the weakness will eat at me. And my greatest fear is that for all the success with girl that I've had over the past year or so. For all the make-outs and fooling around and ridiculously stupid things I've done, the threat is very, very, real. I could very well be facing this storm alone. The possibility that I won't have someone by my side. I haven't loved anyone in what feels like an impossibly long time. I don't think I can ever say "I love you" to anyone without feeling that I don't mean it. I want to get someone to just tide me through this time. A raft to sit in to go over the rapids before hitting the calm waters where I can just get off. Yet, like Vivian, I can't do it. I'm not immoral enough and not strong enough to bear that responsibility. Inside, I still want to be a hero. I just don't think I can. Heroes need sidekicks.
Looks like I'm the villian, then.
Nice, right?
HUH? HUH? HUH?
Original man, and it's not even out in theatres. As in the poster. Not the movie. Well, the poster is out in a few lah. Hee...Can't wait to get my frame to put it up on my wall.
Then another big thing happened which I am sorta not allowed to talk about, and also don't really want to. But it should manifest itself in it's full glory by March next year. And I'm not joking. It's actually about serial killers who kill people by forcing them to fight each other. Haha. No lah. Not so drama. Don't think I talked about it in the past though. I love puns. Aiyah. So many hints. Not fun already. HUAT AH!!!!
Not to mention, GEMs registration was this week. And I missed my first appointment. I don't wanna go into why, but I effectively managed to fail at my registration for my Love and Relationships GEM. Which I really wanted. So I waited until this morning when it was open registration. I actually got my ass out of bed to log into my SAS hoping that there was a spot in the Monday class. Really must chiong one...So whether or not I got my GEM...Aiyah don't say lah. Haha. Sorry, but I spend too much time around teasers... HAHA!!!
- Music:Jason Mraz - 1000 Things | Scrobbled by Last.fm
V: This is like, the 2490328565760940th time, bro.
E: Yeah, but everytime this crops up it seems different.
V: You've asked god knows how many people and they all tell you the same thing: tell her.
E: It's not that easy. She's so busy most of the time, and it's like we rarely even talk. It's kinda weird, don't u think?
V: That's just you. You're thinking too much. It's a blockage that you have. Dude, I don't see this happening in clubs. I don't see this happening in cold approaches. You usually just go straight up whether she's in a conversation, on her handphone or selling something. What makes her different from any of the other girls you know?
E: She's just different. She's always been different. At least to me.
V: What's the point of you going through all the trouble to learn this stuff when you're not gonna use it for the reason you learnt it in the first place?
E: I did use it. I just don't know if I got the intended result...
V: Maybe you did but you didn't see it. It's like Mhystry said: "Have you ever considered the possibility that she might be interested in you?"
E: Dude. Look at the ambiguity in that sentence. It's a possibility that might not even be there!
V: Then you're not gonna find out if you don't try!
E: Look. My experiences from telling girls I liked that I liked them has not been fantastic. It's blown up in my face before. And quite frankly, I'd like to keep my skin tone just the way it is, thank you.
V: You said she's different. Maybe she'll respond differently.
E: I don't know that for sure-
V: Unless you try.
E: The last time I was around her, I was nervous as shit.
V: Didn't look that way.
E: Yea well, I was. I was freaking out, not knowing what to say, how to say it. It's very intimidating. If she's my dream girl, the one whom I will work my ass off for, I don't wanna screw it up.
V: If you carry on like this, you won't get a chance to screw it up. You're not doing anything. You're not getting out there. You can ask girls out, you've done it before. I mean, come on. Just cos she's different doesn't mean she needs to be approached differently. You know that girls are pretty much the same. If she's really special, show her when you get with her. Spend the time that you say you will. Because right now, You're not getting anywhere.
E: I know that.
V: Then do something about it. You know so much, but you're either too lazy or too scared to work on it. Vivian already said it. You knew what to say to make her melt.
E: Yea. She made me realise that all I needed was just a few more fucking seconds. If only we weren't interrupted. But as far as I'm concerned, it's a missed opportunity. What am I going to do? Say "Oh remember when I asked you-"
V: No. But more opportunites will come.
E: I don't even know what level we're at. If we were talking more regularly then I'd feel more comfortable. But I don't know if she hates me or not!
V: If she did, I think you might have felt it.
E: I can be pretty insensitive to such things. Admittedly, I feel like I'm giving myself false hope. She's on my mind so much that I'm a little afraid to let my mind wander. And at the same time, I kinda want to as well. It's like, she's constantly running around my mind providing me with the ecstasy I know I shouldn't be taking. I dream about her so much. It's damn terrifying lah.
V: So what're you afraid of?
E: I guess I've become so emotionally invested that I'm worried if I get rejected, my whole world would come crashing down on me. My chances of success are now 30% at best. I wanna improve those chances so that I don't crash and burn. If I don't get a shot at success with her, I'd feel like I wasted my whole life. She's perfect in every way to me. Every way. Absolute perfection. Perfection. I only get one shot. I'm trying to move as close to the target as possible so I don't miss.
V: Are you close enough?
E: I don't know, honestly. She's like the target that I cannot see. So I don't know if I'm close or not. When I think about the "signals" positively, it's like looking at the "target" through the sights with an error. So she's like very close. And I feel like I can hit it. But then when I look away from the sight, the target is suddenly very far away. So far that I cannot see it. I either need to move so close to the target that I bang into it, or I need to receive a signal that reveals the targets location.
V: Or you can bring in your "secret weapon".
E: Which could backfire. It can be done, But I'm not sure of it's effects.
V: Ever considered just trying???
E: Ok. Relax. Man, I don't know how to go about this. It's always girls who say they like me first. I usually don't have to do a thing. At least not on the admitting part.
V: You know that you're probably not gonna get to kiss her till you're past this, right?
E: Yes. The situation is vastly different. I'm not even sure I still have a shot. I may have blown out months ago. It seems that way. Remember what she told me?
V: Ouch. Yeah... That kinda sucked.
E: Not shit. The thing is, I'm not sure if it was a joke or not. Cos after that, it looked like she didn't mean it. And I can't tell if she's just being polite sometimes. Cos it's so much easier for girls to be polite.
V: You know she's probably going to see this, right?
E: Honestly, I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. I wish we could talk more. So that I know where I stand. I'm damn scared I'm being a nuisance everytime I talk to her.
V: You're shitting yourself. You're so scared man. It's pathetic. What the fuck are you doing? Can you pick your balls up off the floor and do something to help your situation? You've already been told you're ahead of the internal competition. Isn't that encouraging?
E: Not exactly. Cos I feel like an outsider.
V: Precisely. Use that to your advantage. You're the Exception. Be exceptional. Be unique. That's what you are. You're different. Interesting. How many Magician/Actor/Singer/Guitarist/Dunnowha
E: I honestly don't know. Argh... I need to get away from this.
V: You need confidence.
E: Confidence is not a destination it's-
V: A process. Yes, yes. Don't you think you've gottent that already?
E: She's like the fucking Haitian. She seems to neutralise all my smoothness and my confidence and my balls for that matter. I just wish I was more involved in her life. Rather than feeling so estranged all the time. Like I just appear and vanish all of a sudden.
V: Then get more involved.
E: But we're both so busy. I need to make more money, and I've got 10 modules to work on, plus I've got acting.
V: What happens if you wait?
E: My commitments will slowly fade until I have some time to actually chase her. But then again, it leaves more room for competition. But supposedly if all goes well and we do get together, I'm afraid that I won't have enough time to commit to the relationship to make it work. I'm not in secondary school anymore, bro. I don't get off school at 2 and not have to work. And that goes for her as well. A levels are no joking matter.
V: Then in this case, there is an opportune moment. It's a time frame rather to make the moment happen. Think of it as a convenient time. I don't know how you're going to go about it, but you need a plan that will cause a chain reaction so that you can stop this one-time bout of happiness thing. Something that will lead on and on and on until you actually make something of it.
E: Alright. I'll wait for the time.
V: Thank you. It's actually pretty soon. So please don't fuck it up.
E: I'll try. Thanks, I think.
V: No problem. Let's watch more Gossip Girl. Haha. Blair is hot.
Spotted. Lonely Boy having a heart to heart with V after a hard day's work on the stage. V asked a very interesting question: Would Lonely Boy take the first fling that came along and become Not-So-Lonely-Boy, Or would he keep waiting for her?
Lonely Boy seems to spend a lot of time thinking about her when he should be going out, getting laid or at the very least, getting numbers. Lonely Boy: The superhero with the ability to do everything except come clean, or even ask her out. What happened? Did your balls drop off or something?
*sigh* Lonely Boy looks like he's waiting for a moment. But is there ever one?
XDXD
You know I love you.
Blabber Boy.
Woken up by a call from whatshisname from Dream Forest Productions about some imaging appointment on the 9th. Better note that down before I forget. Haha. Looks like I'll be having at least a role in some upcoming drama. Not sure how big, but it's a role lah. So what the hell, right? More cash for an undeserving amount of time and work. Being on set as a talent rocks. You literally get paid to sit around while the PAs do all the sai kang. Haha. Then just report in front of the camera when you're called. And for a good $25/hr at least. Haha.
Went for a couple of auditions today after that. All the way to Outram, along some bloody ulu street with some retarded chinese name. Keong Saik street, as I recall. Thanks Steph for sharing my hatred of cheena places. Walked around like a headless chicken, dodging cars along the street until I finally came upon a 7-11. Luckily Steph was able to pick me up from there and move to the coffee shop I was supposed to meet her at. Across the street. No matter, it was a rewarding experience cos I managed to sit down and have a chat with the director, Jay whom I was supposed to audition for. Can you say, good impression?
I realised how small the media industry in Singapore is today, considering that Jay and my "favorite" director from TMVC, Kenny Png are good friends cos they were in the same band. So cool sia! Both of them are damn similar. Same pattern. Apparently, Jay got picked off the street to audition for ads against drugs and for the Yellow Ribbon project. LOL. But he really looks like an ex-convict. Haha.
At least the audition went well, though. It's apparently for some educational thing, for kids. Like Hi-5. *lets it sink in...* Ok. Done laughing? Haha. Also found out I had a deprived childhood in Primary school, because to audition, I was supposed to teach the camera how to make a paper cup telephone. You know the kind that is connected by a string? And you have to talk into one end? Like that. I never made that before as a kid.. :( But overall it went quite well. I spent the 10-15 minutes before that chatting with Steph on the couch before this dude who was also auditioning walked in. He's the self-proclaimed "Closest Utt-lookalike" in Singapore. He's like a very hairy, very brown Utt. Luckily I had to audition immediately after that, so I could avoid an awkward moment on the couch alone with him.
Then I headed down to the substation for yet another audition. I was an hour early, so I had time to head down to Funan for a walk. AND I BOUGHT MY OWN COPY OF TWILIGHT!!! NOW I GET TO READ IT WITHOUT RUSHING A DEADLINE!!!! I needed at least one thing to make me happy today. Haha. I so wanted to buy them all at one shot. Then I can scratch that off my wishlist.
Auditioning at the Substation was so much better. Made some fast friends with a couple of dudes and dudettes while waiting. I had to go in for a couple scene with one of them whose names I can't remember. The casting director was like teasing us the whole time, said we have "couple look". Fortunately, both of us were open-minded people, so the hand-holding and whatnot came quite naturally. Haha. She asked me how old I was and, as with everyone else on the face of the planet, was shocked when I told her I was 17. She was even more shocked when I told her my ex was her age. LOL.
Monologue went relatively well, considering that i had to improv a little of it. But from what Jacob told me, I was at least allowed to finish the thing. Hopefully, next sem's schedule won't be too packed to the extent that I can't go for shoots. Sometimes I hate DADP cos of the sheer amount of work I have to do. And the sheer amount of shit I'll face if I don't. That also means I can't get a dog. Damn. Oh well, back to Twilight. I MUST FINISH IT BY NEXT WEEK!!!!
- Music:Paramore - Decode | Scrobbled by Last.fm
When you're clouding up my mind?
I can't win
You're losing sight
All the time
Not gonna ever own what's mine
When you're always taking sides
But you won't take away my pride
No, not this time
Not this time
How did we get here?
I used to know you so well
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know
The truth is hiding in your eyes
And it's hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood
But you think that I can't see
What kind of man that you are
If you're a man at all
Well, I will figure this one out
On my own
(I'm screaming, "I love you so")
On my own
(My thoughts you can't decode)
How did we get here?
I used to know you so well, yeah
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know
Do you see what we've done?
We've gone and made such fools
Of ourselves
Do you see what we've done?
We've gone and made such fools
Of ourselves
How did we get here?
I used to know you so well, yeah
How did we get here?
Well, I used to know you so well
I think I know
I think I know
There is something I see in you
It might kill me
I want it to be true
Decode by Paramore
The official track from the Twilight soundtrack. I've not gotten sick of it yet. I doubt I will anytime soon. But it's my new favorite song. I'm off to listen to it another 10000000000000000000000000 times. ;)
- Location:Utopia
- Music:Paramore - Decode | Scrobbled by Last.fm
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