Thank You, Jia Huey.
In all honesty, I have been suffering from a rather bad case of loneliness for quite some time. The thing about loneliness is that it makes you feel like the only person in that world that's lonely. It would seem that in my search for a partner to give my love to, I have forgotten that people around me who deserve it as much as the next cute girl I see. Therefore, my new New Year's Resolution is to deepen the relationships I have with the people around me, and to let whatever will happen, happen.
This is something Mystery, Natural Tim, Ross Jeffries or anyone else cannot teach me.
Admittedly, it was not the perfect night, but there were (near-)perfect moments. As always. And surprisingly, even at the end of the night, I was still quite sober. Albeit very, very tired. Hmm...
The past year: Reflections
Jan-Mar: Volunteering with Trybe actively helped me find my sense of family and friends. And to find the joy in helping others. Going out for the first time with &HER could possibly be the very best day of the year. Choosing the course I would be taking for the next 3 years was quite possibly the best and worst decision I ever made, academically.
Apr-Jun: School started on a high that slowly lost its momentum for me. Turns out that the slope was steep and rocky. And I may still be falling. But there were definitely some friends made in that time. At the same time, doing TVC was a big step in actually actively doing anything for anyone else in my life. While it did not end quite as planned, at least not on my end, it still helped me grow in terms of anger management.
Jul-Sept: Hitting 17 was a very heartwarming moment. While I stand by my mantra at 17 is the most insignificant age where you wanna do everything you're not allowed to, I must admit that it was one of the better days of the year. As I started broadening my networks, meeting the female version of myself was pretty awesome. (You know who you are, silly girl.)
Oct-Dec: As far as I can remember, much of this time was spent in Bukit Batok with Henzy, Zul and conflicting emotions about someone or other. 10/10 brought a lot of pain and ecstasy as did many of my interactions with &HER which misled me to believe in the impossible. Towards the end, resigning myself to my "destiny" was a pivotal step into the new year.
1st Jan 2009: She tastes as sweet as she looks.
Neither of which I would wish to mention openly, yet I can't help but think about it. Follow my heart, or follow my head. I've made a fantastic group of friends and we have great chemistry and can go places. Or I can try for the one person I never really thought I ever had a chance with. Hmm...
Shooting has been great so far, though. Made a little sister. Sorta. Love te cast, the crew, the character. It's a nice escape from the stresses of life and work and relationships.
I wake up in the morning with the Woo! attitude. I can't afford to not have it.
Random thoughts.
So incoherent.
Do I care?
Why are you reading this?
Do you understand any of it?
Do you care?
I need sleep. And a coke.
More often than not, we make choices without knowing the outcome.
I could not be satisfied with what I had. Just being a passive observer. No. As a human being, it was my nature to want more than what I had. Progress. And now I've driven myself to an ultimatum. A choice that will make or break what I have. What do we do when we are confronted with having to choose between two opposite ends of the extreme? What happens when all we can do is to start the chain of events, and have the outcome decided for us?
HOW MUCH MORE PAIN CAN I TAKE BEFORE I FALL TO PIECES?
When I made the choice to reinvent myself, it seems like I didn't expect her to be such a big part of the past I had to let go. How do you throw the centre of your universe away without following it? If it explodes, and you float away, what do you do? Wander aimlessly through space till another gravity well sucks you in? What if that doesn't happen?
http://kevan.org/johari?name=Vyzhyn
In spite of all my attempts
to get closer to you.
I start to wonder exactly what it is that this is.
This burning desire in my heart to tell you,
that you mean the world to me.
And the chilling fear to keep you in my life,
because I'm not sure what I will be if I lost you.
How could you not see the stake you hold,
that you are my core,
the sole purpose that I live for.
I never want to see you
sad,
hurt,
angry,
scared.
Everything I do to bring me closer to you,
to be more involved in your life,
to be there for you.
It frightens me.
Not knowing how I am received.
Not knowing if I matter.
Am I too stupid to see the signs?
Are they ever there?
Telling me to stop.
To go away.
To start again somewhere else.
I don't know if I can forgive myself,
if I didn't try.
Because you are all I want.
The only thing I know I would hurt to lose.
Because you matter to me.
Much more than you know.
If all else perished, and you remained,
I should still continue to be;
and if all else remained, and you were annihilated,
the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.
How I wish to hear from you.
Know that you exist.
Know that I am still sane.
Know that you are not only a dream.
For every night I see you,
breathe the smell of your hair,
the warmth of your skin,
I pray I never wake.
Yet, the indifference burns,
the ignorance stabs,
the acknowledgment heals,
but the departure kills.
The love I feel is ludicrous.
I seem to find joy in nonsense.
An unconditional, unjustified love.
For one seemingly oblivious.
If I gave you everything
My heart,
My body,
My mind.
Would you see what I try to show?
That all I have lived for,
was to love you?
How can I decide what's right?
When you're clouding up my mind?
I'm screaming
"I love you so."
I can lose,
A chance at closure.
A chance to move on.
A chance to see you.
But I cannot
lose you.
Let me in,
so I can show you,
that you and I
can be a "we."
After all that's happened, although I feel like I've grown, it's the pain that comes with it that sucks. No pain, no gain, indeed. I guess in the end, there's no such thing as being "friends". Because feelings don't disappear just like that. *snaps fingers* Was i just too late? Or would there never be an early, or even an on time? Punctuality has never been one of my more outstanding qualities. However, after a week of rather agonising pain, delivered without remorse, mercy, or concern in general, it can be said that I'm holding up quite well. Sure, I had to talk to a few people about it, but overall, it's going by just fine.
Weapon Of Choice
Beautifully crafted,
in a day.
Sealed,
with satisfaction.
Nervously handed,
in a second.
Read,
Ahead of schedule.
Anxiously waited
forever.
Sweat,
Scared of the response.
Light-heartedly discussed,
for hours.
Ended,
with a sugar-coated stab.
I gave you the one knife
that could pierce my thick skin,
and you made sure to use it.
Repeatedly.
The first stab
was a peck.
A glance,
as you walked away.
The second stab
was a nothing.
Ignorance,
and never looking.
The third stab
was a glimpse.
Jealousy,
I'd rather not.
As I recover,
as the wounds heal,
I limp on,
bleeding as I go.
But I know,
I will live,
stronger than before,
and with more rewards.
Toil on,
sad heart,
courageously.
As always.
Now I have gained the ability to make my feelings known. It started with just two. Then there was three. Then it became two. Then one. Then as the final one leaves, I find myself falling in love all over again.
Maybe I was wrong.
Maybe you were just a distraction to test my resolve, to give me the ability I needed, but never had.
Maybe you were there to make me refocus and give me my much needed courage.
Maybe in the end, my feelings are a lie.
Maybe they're not.
But one thing is for certain:
There are now two that I will give my whole heart two,
where once there was just one.
While one is attached,
the other is "just a friend"
and the last one is seemingly oblivious,
I am left with only one thing to do:
Make my feelings known to the girl of my dreams,
and test the waters.
Thanks to:
Vivian, for being there for this whole fiasco.
Gail, for letting me be honest.
Henzy, for predicting the future and for your advice.
Ivan, for opening my eyes, for the short time we met.
Biqi, for making me smile when all seemed bleak.
Ezzat, for keeping me focused in class.
Popcornpop, for allowing me a refuge for 9 hours in a day.
The Rangers, for turning my worst day around.
Raffy, for the dinner and the counsel.
God, for bringing these people into my life.
V: Then why are you talking to me?
E: Because... I need help.
V: What's going on?
E: I feel jealous.
V: Because someone is getting close to her?
E: Not exactly. Not her. Someone else. Which is even more disturbing.
V: I see. What does that mean to you?
E: It means I might be attracted.
V: Are you sure?
E: I don't know. Isn't that what it means?
V: Not neccessarily. Don't take it to mean all jealousy stems from attraction. Your situation is not exactly normal.
E: I think this is the "dark side".
V: I think it's lonliness.
E: Maybe. It feels that way. I haven't been single for so long since becoming one of them.
V: You're deprived.
E: But everything else was just a distraction. The easy way out. Nothing but cheap alternatives to make up for the weakness that I couldn't make the choice I was meant to. Basically, this feels like my cowardice coming back to bite me in the ass.
V: So what do you want to do?
E: I feel tempted to take the east way out again. No strings attached.
V: And what would that do? Except give you your fix. You don't have a lot to lose, you know.
E: But it's not healthy for me. It's not healthy for anyone.
V: What? Loneliness?
E: Yes.
V: After all this...abstinence, you're willing to throw it all away?
E: It's a smaller, more acceptable loss.
V: You intend to wager a chance at lifelong happiness with another -at most- 1 month of useless intimacy on some other random girl?
E: When you put it likethat, of course no one will.
V: But that's what it is, ultimately. You wasting your own time. I can't keep psychoing you like this everytime you get cold feet.
E: I don't like it either. But the reality of the situation is that I feel like I will lose more if I fail.
V: You waste more if you don't try. If you don't get past this, it's entirely possible that you cannot love anyone else so long as you are in this state.
E: I can still get girls, you know.
V: It's not about getting girls. You said you wanted to pursue love, right? I know you. You cannot truly love more than one person at a time. You're not programmed that way. So don't try to fall for someone else to get this I've with. You've done it before but you just ended up back at square one when it ended. You know that you won't be able to move on unless you take this chance.
E: But I honeslty felt like I could.
V: It's the loneliness talking. I think you're just craving for the attention. You're just too weak to do it. Otherwise you wouldn't be in this situation.
E: You're starting to sound a lot like him.
V: Merely stating a fact. It's hard to disgest, but so is everything that's good for you. You knew what you wanted when you took it up. You got sidetracked and distracted along the way.
E: It seemed like a healthy solution. If I had options, she wouldn't matter.
V: It seems like you underestimated your own ethics.
E: I thought that I would just forget about her.
V: Doesn't work that way. Not for you. You know this. You're not like the rest. You don't have that emotional capacity. You can't stand being a player and you know it. So stop trying to change yourself in order to escape. It does not work that way.
E: But I can be great.
V: On the outside, yes. But not on the inside. It hurts you, remember? It hurts because you know that it will stop you from achieving your ultimate goal. You know you can't resist the temptation. Isn't that why you chose to turn away?
E: I chose to turn away because I felt ready.
V: Then if you're so ready, why are you turning back? If you're so ready, then why are you getting cold feet? Just do it, damn you. You don't have another choice. In a couple of years, your chances will be gone. Don't wait too long to have your heart torn to shreds.
E: Ok. I'll just treat this as a relapse then.
V: Thank you! You're getting a bit difficult, admittedly.
E: Sorry.
V: Not an issue. Just do it.
Attraction, as I have learnt begins with an event. The first glance, the first words, the first touch. But all these are the first cents in an emotional investment. The more we push ourselves into this vulnerability and the more we invest, the more we stand to lose.
The more we invest, the more we are afraid to lose it. Be it to others or to let go of it ourselves. Every single risk taken is followed by a sharp intake of breath. Waiting to see the person again, but not knowing what to say. Sending a message and waiting with bated breath for a reply, irrelevant of what might be said.
When we put everything on the line, with a 50/50 chance of success, is it worth it? Are we willing to trade the feelings we currently hold for the possibility of losing it all and having a hole torn in it's place?
Waiting for something,
That might never happen.
Is it worth it?
Investing your heart,
in a chance at forever.
Is it worth it?
Taking a shot,
at a target too far to see.
Is it worth it?
Opening my heart,
and having it torn to shreds?
Worth is a calculation.
Comparison of variables.
Profit versus loss.
Love is an ambiguity.
Fluctuation of emotion.
Benefit of sacrifice.
Love doesn't work that way, I decided.
Once you cared about a person,
it was impossible to be logical about them anymore.
It pains my heart to read New Moon. Admittedly, I am almost afraid to pick it up again. It re-tears to hole I spent so long plugging up. It hurts, yes. But still, I am curious to see if I will survive. So, I continue. How masochistic.
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